Melody Maker

Large It in Harrogate!

(Scene: THE PRODIGY'S house. Everyone is popping champagne corks, except LIAM, grimly

LEEROY: Wazzup, Liam? Have you seen the sales figures for 'The Fat of the Land' ? They're mental, man! Everybody's up for it! Everybody's into The Prodigy!
KEITH: I'm a firestarter!
LIAM (broodily): Shut up, Keith. You're wrong, Leeroy. Not everybody's into it. Not everybody's fuckin' into it at all.
LEEROY: Come om, Liam, we've cracked it, we've got the rock market, we've got the dance market, we...
KEITH: I'm a monkey eater!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith. There's someone we haven't reached. Her name's Edith Stykes, of 33 Church Lane, Harrogate. According to our sales team, she hasn't bought 'The Fat of the Land' yet. She's giving me no fuckin' respect, man! What's her problem? What did I ever do to her, eh?
KEITH: I'm a chicken splatter!
LEEROY: But Liam, you can't expect...
LIAM: Are you with me, or fuckin' against me? Are we a group together here, or what?
LEEROY: Well, what are you gonna do about it, Liam?
LIAM: We're gonna go and see her, that's what we're gonna do. C'mon...
KEITH: I'm a donkey-twatter!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith...

(Up in Harrogate, at Number 33, Church Lane)

LEEROY: Liam, this is daft, you can't just go to someone's house and...
LIAM: Shut up, Leeroy.

(Knocks at door)

MRS SYKES(opening door): Hello, boys. Are you collecting for the scouts?
LEEROY: Er - no. It's...
LIAM: Why haven't you bought our album, eh? You're showing me no fuckin' respect, lady, no fuckin' respect!
MRS SYKES: An album? Is it a stamp album? That's nice.
LIAM: Stamp album? Are you fuckin' hearing this, Leeroy?
KEITH: Shall I burn down her house, Liam?
LIAM: Naah. That's just what she wants. That's just what you want, isn't it, lady? Well listen. I don't care if you didn't buy my album. It's your fuckin' loss. Your problem, not mine. I really don't care, you understand? It's just the fuckin' disrespect, you know what I mean? Why haven't you bought it, eh? Why haven't you bought it?
KEITH: I'm a fanny batter!
LIAM: Shut up Keith!
MRS SYKES: Why are you selling your stamp album? It's nice for you boys to have a hobby.
LIAM: It's not a stamp album, lady, it's a fuckin' music album!
MRS SYKES: You made a phonograph? Well, you are clever boys ! Aren't you clever? Gosh!
LIAM: Yeah - yeah, we are.
MRS SYKES: I'll buy a copy off you now, if you let me get my purse. You are good boys!" (Fiddles for 10 minutes in purse.) There you go. A pound. Or is it a guinea? You never can tell these days.
LIAM: A pound? It fuckin' retails for £13,99!
LEEROY: Never mind that, Liam, just give her a copy of our album and we can nob off out of here, eh?
LIAM: Well, I haven't got a copy on me ! I thought you did!
LEEROY: I never! Look, lady, here's your pound back, we'll be on our way...
MRS SYKES: No, no, I won't hear of it ! I'll tell you what would be lovely instead. It's the Women's Institute tea morning at the church hall, you could entertain us with a sing-song instead! You're such good boys!
LIAM: Er - no, I don't think so, we'll be...
MRS SYKES:(Hustling the reluctant band along) "Oh, don't be shy, you'll be wonderful! Come along, now!
KEITH: Shall I smack the bitch up ?"
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!"

(At the church hall)

MRS SYKES: Everyone, everyone, a special treat. These boys are raising money for the Scouts. They've been kind enough to auction off their stamp album and they've also made their first phonograph! And now, they're going to entertain us with a medley of boy scout songs! (Applause)
LIAM: This is fuckin' ridiculous! ...
LEEROY: Look - just sing, Liam.
LIAM: Shit! 'Ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly gooly, ging gang goo, ging gang goo.'
MRS SYKES: Lovely!
KEITH: I'm a goolie twister!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!..

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