Melody Maker
Large It in Harrogate!6th September 1997
(Scene: THE PRODIGY'S house. Everyone is popping champagne corks, except LIAM, grimly poring over a sheet of stats)
LEEROY:
Wazzup,
Liam? Have you seen the sales figures for 'The Fat of
the Land' ? They're mental, man! Everybody's up for
it! Everybody's into The Prodigy!
KEITH: I'm a firestarter!
LIAM (broodily): Shut up,
Keith. You're wrong, Leeroy. Not everybody's into it.
Not everybody's fuckin' into it at all.
LEEROY: Come om, Liam, we've cracked
it, we've got the rock market, we've got the dance market,
we...
KEITH: I'm a monkey eater!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith. There's someone
we haven't reached. Her name's Edith Stykes, of 33 Church
Lane, Harrogate. According to our sales team, she hasn't
bought 'The Fat of the Land' yet. She's giving me no
fuckin' respect, man! What's her problem? What did I
ever do to her, eh?
KEITH: I'm a chicken splatter!
LEEROY: But Liam, you can't expect...
LIAM: Are you with me, or fuckin'
against me? Are we a group together here, or what?
LEEROY: Well, what are you gonna
do about it, Liam?
LIAM: We're gonna go and see her,
that's what we're gonna do. C'mon...
KEITH: I'm a donkey-twatter!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith...
(Up in Harrogate, at Number 33, Church Lane)
LEEROY:
Liam, this is daft, you can't just go to someone's house
and...
LIAM: Shut up, Leeroy.
(Knocks at door)
MRS SYKES(opening door):
Hello, boys. Are you collecting
for the scouts?
LEEROY: Er - no. It's...
LIAM: Why haven't you bought our
album, eh? You're showing me no fuckin' respect, lady,
no fuckin' respect!
MRS SYKES: An album? Is it a stamp
album? That's nice.
LIAM: Stamp album? Are you fuckin'
hearing this, Leeroy?
KEITH: Shall I burn down her house,
Liam?
LIAM: Naah. That's just what she
wants. That's just what you want, isn't it, lady? Well
listen. I don't care if you didn't buy my album. It's
your fuckin' loss. Your problem, not mine. I really
don't care, you understand? It's just the fuckin' disrespect,
you know what I mean? Why haven't you bought it, eh?
Why haven't you bought it?
KEITH: I'm a fanny batter!
LIAM: Shut up Keith!
MRS SYKES: Why are you selling
your stamp album? It's nice for you boys to have a hobby.
LIAM: It's not a stamp album,
lady, it's a fuckin' music album!
MRS SYKES: You made a phonograph?
Well, you are clever boys ! Aren't you clever? Gosh!
LIAM: Yeah - yeah, we are.
MRS SYKES: I'll buy a copy off
you now, if you let me get my purse. You are good boys!"
(Fiddles for 10 minutes in purse.) There you
go. A pound. Or is it a guinea? You never can tell these
days.
LIAM: A pound? It fuckin' retails
for Ã,£13,99!
LEEROY: Never mind that, Liam,
just give her a copy of our album and we can nob off
out of here, eh?
LIAM: Well, I haven't got a copy
on me ! I thought you did!
LEEROY: I never! Look, lady, here's
your pound back, we'll be on our way...
MRS SYKES: No, no, I won't hear
of it ! I'll tell you what would be lovely instead.
It's the Women's Institute tea morning at the church
hall, you could entertain us with a sing-song instead!
You're such good boys!
LIAM: Er - no, I don't think so,
we'll be...
MRS SYKES:(Hustling the reluctant
band along) "Oh,
don't be shy, you'll be wonderful! Come along, now!
KEITH: Shall I smack the bitch
up ?"
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!"
(At the church hall)
MRS SYKES: Everyone,
everyone, a special treat. These boys are raising money
for the Scouts. They've been kind enough to auction
off their stamp album and they've also made their first
phonograph! And now, they're going to entertain us with
a medley of boy scout songs! (Applause)
LIAM: This is fuckin' ridiculous!
...
LEEROY: Look - just sing, Liam.
LIAM: Shit! 'Ging gang gooly gooly
gooly gooly gooly, ging gang goo, ging gang goo.'
MRS SYKES: Lovely!
KEITH: I'm a goolie twister!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!..
